News Writing- First Crack at It
11/13/14
After principal Tonya King denied junior Jim Stack’s initial request to grow his hair out for charity, he wrote a letter to the school board. The school board will vote Monday on whether to approve his request for permission.
“Had I approved Jim’s request, then I would have students every day asking if they could break the dress code,” King said. “We have rules for a reason, and we can’t go breaking them anytime we want.”
The dress code states that male students’ hair must not fall longer than collar-length and must possess a natural color.
“Girls have long hair, and no one is distracted,” student council president Gilbert Castillo said. “Rules were made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one.”
The student council wrote a letter to the school board in support of Stack, signed by 350 students. Attached to the letter, 150 students willing to grow their hair out were, seventy-eight of them males.
“I can’t comment on the issue right now,” school board president Bill Valdez said. “I will say that the letter was well-written and had some good points.”
Locks of Love provided the school board with a letter verifying that Stack applied to donate his hair with his parents’ permission.
“We desperately need human hair for our wigs,” Locks of Love president Gisel Roco said.
The group works entirely on donations, and while many people donate money, not as many donate hair.
“She [Roco] said the best way I could help would be to grow my hair long and donate it to the group for a wig,” Stack said.
Every month, Locks of Love receives about 200 requests from families who can’t afford wigs, but they turn down about 150 of those requests.
“We refer the parents to other organizations, but I wish we didn’t have to,” Roco said.
Locks of Love requires at least 10 inches of hair to donate.
“Donating my hair to Locks of Love is a very special project to me,” Stack said. “I even agreed to tuck it [hair] into my shirt so it won’t be that noticeable.”
Bad:
1. Indent the paragraphs
2. Good job on ending it
Good:
1. Good job on saying the name and then said
2. Good quotes
3. Good transitions
This is a great start. 🙂
Three things that need improvement:
(1.) I think the transition “Attached to the letter, 150 students willing to grow their hair out were, seventy-eight of them males…” is missing a word.
(2.) Your last transition doesn’t seem to connect to the quotes before and after it. “Locks of Love requires at least 10 inches of hair to donate.”
(3.) Not much else…
Three things you did correctly:
(1.) Your quotes are well chosen and ordered nicely.
(2.) Views from both sides of the story are evident; you avoided biased transitions.
(3.) Your story is easy to follow.
After principal Tonya King denied junior Jim Stack’s initial request to grow his hair out for charity, he wrote a letter to the school board. The school board will meet Monday to vote on whether to approve his request for permission. CHANGE WILL MEET TO WILL VOTE AND GET RID OF THE SECOND VOTE PART.
“Had I approved Jim’s request, then I would have students every day asking if they could break the dress code,” King said. “We have rules for a reason, and we can’t go breaking them anytime we want.”
The dress code states that male students’ hair must not fall longer than collar-length and must possess a natural color.
“Girls have long hair, and no one is distracted,” student council president Gilbert Castillo said. “Rules were made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one.”
The student council wrote a letter to the school board in support of Stack, signed by 350 students. Attached to the letter, 150 students willing to grow their hair out were, seventy-eight of them males.
“I can’t comment on the issue right now,” school board president Bill Valdez said. “I will say that the letter was well-written and had some good points.”
Locks of Love provided the school board with a letter verifying that Stack applied to donate his hair with his parents’ permission.
“We desperately need human hair for our wigs,” Locks of Love president Gisel Roco said.
The group works entirely on donations, and while many people donate money, not as many donate hair.
“She [Roco] said the best way I could help would be to grow my hair long and donate it to the group for a wig,” Stack said.
Every month, Locks of Love receives about 200 requests from families who can’t afford wigs, but they turn down about 150 of those requests.
“We refer the parents to other organizations, but I wish we didn’t have to,” Roco said.
Locks of Love requires at least 10 inches of hair to donate.
“Donating my hair to Locks of Love is a very special project to me,” Stack said. “I even agreed to tuck it [hair] into my shirt so it won’t be that noticeable.”
THIS IS ALMOST PERFECT, GREAT JOB.